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Burning pinecone
The burning pinecone was a magically burning but non-burning pinecone of Earthly origin that briefly became the angelic mouthpiece for a bitter and jealous God. Only a few references to its existence survive in the comics, but nonetheless it is the truth and the word. Moses and the Burning Pinecone 3 So n'ow Moses was tending the flock of Jethro (his father-in-law, the deadbeat of Midian), and he led the flock unto the far side of the wilderness which just so happened to have him pass by Horeb, the mountain of God. There he was practicing his lightsaber moves with a stick he had found. '''2 '''There the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in flames of fire from within a pinecone. Moses saw that though the pinecone was on fire it did not burn up. '''3 '''So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the pinecone does not burn up.” '''3.5 '''Then Moses wondered aloud "why do I say all this out aloud unto only myself... one mustn't speak unto sheep alone, so sayeth the Lord" '''4 '''When the Lord saw that he had finally stop speaking and gone over to look, God called unto him from within the pinecone, “Moses! Stop speaking unto thineself and come over here!” And Moses spake, “Here I am.” '''5 '“Do not come any closer after all,” God spake. “Uh, take off thy sandals, for the... um... the place where you are standing is holy ground.” '6 '''Then He inhaled deeply and He spake, “I am the God of thy father,https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+3#fen-NIV-1586a a the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob, also the God of Hezekiah, and the God of Mezzekiah, and the God of Beetlejuice, and the God of people with African-sounding names, and the God of most of the animals, and the God of football, and the God of all the ladies also probably, ''and the God of you.” At this, Moses made up his face, because he wasn't sure what to make of God. '''6.5 "But not the God of sandals" God the father added quickly. So Moses did take off his sandals. '7 '''The Lord spake, “I have recently been made aware of the misery of my people in Egypt. I noticed them crying out because of their slave drivers the other day, and I grew concerned about their suffering. '''8 '''So I have come down in the form of this burning pinecone to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land (I forget what it's called) and into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with cream cheese and applesauce—where definitely nobody else lives already. '''9 '''And now that the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them, I suddenly realize that something must be done! '''10 '''So go now. I am sending ''you unto Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.” '11 '''But Moses spake back unto God, “Who, I say, who am ''I that I should go unto Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt? Why can't You just do it Thine own self, exactly, O Lord?” '12 '''And God spake, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign unto you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, youhttps://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+3#fen-NIV-1592b b will worship God on this mountain, Horeb, the mountain of God. Praying unto God will be the sign that I exist and that I am with you.” '''13 '''Moses spake unto God, “So suppose I just go unto the Israelites and say unto them, ‘The God of thy fathers (and mothers probably) has sent me unto you,’ and they then were to ask unto me, ‘What is his name then?’ and 'Yeah, his name.' Then what shall I tell them?” '''14 '''God spake unto Moses, “I don't know, man. I am who am.https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+3#fen-NIV-1594c c Oh, just say that I guess. This is what you are to say unto the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me unto you.’” '''15 '''God also spake unto Moses, “Then say unto the Israelites, ‘The Lord,https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+3#fen-NIV-1595d d the God of thy fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—all that—has sent me unto you.’ Then I want you to sing in C major, “This is my name forever, the name you shall call me from generation to generation. '''16 '“Go, leave me now and assemble the eldars of Israel and say unto them, ‘The Lord, the God of thy fathers—the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob yadda yadda—appeared unto me and spake: I have watched over you and have seen what has been done to you in Egypt. '17 '''And I have promised to bring you up out of—you know, all that stuff I spake.’ '''18 '“The eldars of Israel will listen unto you. Then you and the eldars are to go unto the king or whatever of Egypt and say unto him, ‘The Lord, or rather, the God of the Hebrews specifically, has met with us. Let us take a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices unto the Lord our God.’ '19 '''But I know that the boss of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand compels him. '''20 '''Oh, I don't know, a mighty hand... unto ''mine. '21 '“And I will make the Egyptians favorably disposed toward this, so that when you leave you will not go empty-handed. '22 '''Every woman is to ask her neighbor and any woman living in her house for articles of silver and gold and for clothing, which you will put on thy sons and daughters. And so you will plunder the Egyptians and bring the loot directly unto me.” Signs for Moses '''1 '''Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or listen unto me and say, ‘Man, ain't no Lord appear unto you’” '''2 '''Then the Lord spake unto him, “What do you have in thy hand there?” “A stick I use to practice lightsaber moves” Moses did reply, confused as to why God did not already know what was in his hand. '''3 '''The Lord spake, “Throw it on the ground.” Moses threw it on the ground and it became a real lightsaber, and Moses was very psyched. '''4 '''Then the Lord spake unto him, “Reach out thy hand and take it by the hilt.” So Moses reached out and took hold of the lightsaver and it turned on in his hand. '''5 '“This,” spake the Lord, “is a more elegant weapon for a more civilized age. Use it so that they may believe that the Lord, the God of their fathers—the God of Gilligan, the God of Skipper too and the God of the millionaire and the God of his wife, and the God of the movie star, and the God of the rest—has appeared unto you.” The burning pinecone at this time sounded unto Moses as though it were breathing heavily. '6 '''Then the Lord spake, “Put tthy hand inside thy cloak.” So Moses did put his hand into his cloak, and when he took it out, the skin was leproushttps://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus%204&version=NIV#fen-NIV-1608a a—it had become as white as leprous snow. '''7 '“Now put it back into thy cloak,” he spake. So Moses did put his hand back into his cloak, and when he took it out, it was restored, like the rest of his flesh. "And again..." spake the Lord. And thereupon Moses did put his hand into his cloak a third time, and it was suddenly on fire, but did not burn. "Once more" God spake unto Moses, and a fourth and final time Moses did put his hand into the cloak, and at once Moses did have an ice cream sandwich in his hand. '8 '''Then the Lord spake, “Whensoever you shall put thy hand into thy cloak, a different thing may happen. If they do not believe you or pay attention unto the first sign, they may believe the second. '''9 '''But if they do not believe these two signs or listen unto you, take some water from the Nile and pour it on the dry ground and call me in the morning.” '''10 '''Moses spake unto the Lord, “Pardon thy servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spake unto thy servant. I am slow of speech and tongue and mind. But even I know that this makes no sense.” '''11 And t'he Lord did spake unto him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who made them deaf or mute? Who gave them sight or makes them blind? Who made the fruit flies? Was it not I, the Lord?" And Moses did not know, for none of those things had not been on the list of things that God spake that He was the Lord of. Moses would have also asked unto God why the Lord did make some of his people deaf or mute or blind, but truly Moses did want this all to be over with. '12 "'Now go;" God spake unto him, "I will help you speak and will teach unto you what to say.” '''13 '''But Moses spake, “Pardon thy servant, Lord, but that does sound like a ton of work. Please send someone else. Anyone else.” '''14 '''Then the Lord’s anger burned against Moses and he spake, “What about thy brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. In all the letters from thy mother she writes of his abilities being far superior to thine own, and laments thy fate. Aaron the Levite is already on his way to meet you, and he will feel glad to see you as only he can. '''15 '''You shall speak unto him and put words in his mouth; I know for certain that this shall be easy, for I do it to humans all the time. Truly, he speaks well, but speaks better when speaking the words of others, his betters, and speaks best when he speaks the word of the Lord. '''16 '''He will speak unto the people for you, and it will be as if he were thy mouth and as if you were God unto him. '''17 '''But take this lightsaber in thy hand so you can perform sweet moves with it while he speaks unto the people of Israel.” It was then that the pinecone fire went out. '''18 '''And Moses finally agreed, because he did not like his brother, Aaron the Levite, that much. Category:Gods Category:Terrible Godawful Bullshit Category:Magic Category:Third Evolution